The Adventures Of Scout, The “Cat-Dog”: Rumors Of Chicken Hawks, Organizing the Dog-Cats To Attack, The Young Man Staring At The Food-Box And More. Another Week On The Farm. . .

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The Nice Lady and the Old Guy around the house I’ve decided to call home have been a little on edge these last few days. I’m not privy to all conversations, but when they sit in front of the picture-box on the wall and talk (ignoring me and my needs by the way… for like minutes at a time!) I have heard them talk about a bird that’s eating birds.

This does not make sense.

So. I did some research and found out they have something outside the house where they really don’t want me to run around, which is stupid because when I decided I’d go home with the Nice Lady I was living outside a swimming pool or something so it’s not like I’m not a Wild Kingdom kinda guy… but anyhow what, ya the research.

So I talked to the Dog-Cats and they told me there are things called “Chickens”. Dumb name if you ask me. Chicken. Sounds gross. But they told me these chicken birds are important because they make eggs. The Nice Lady and the Old Guy must really like eggs because they were really, really mad about these chicken birds getting killed by another bird. Which again, does not make sense to me.

I’m a Cat-Dog. As a full-blown Cat-Dog, I can do all things cat and all things dog. That means I can kill birds. It’s what we do. Now I haven’t seen one of these Chicken Birds, but I’m willing to bet I can take it down. But for another little bird to be doing that to another bird, why?

That’s like me trying to do something to another Cat. Not even a Cat-Dog. Just a basic Cat. So what’s the deal with this bird?? This bird must be stopped!

The Nice Lady and Old Guy called it a Chicken Hawk.

Well that sounds like a bad car name from the 1980s if you ask me. Hi! I’m Scout, I drive the new 1982 Chicken Hawk.

But from hearing them talk, it’s doing some bad things to those birds they don’t let me see.

So, I’ve got a plan.

If they Nice Lady and the Old Guy would just let me go out with the Dog-Cats; you know their names now right… SAAAYYYYDEEEE, IIINNNNNNNNNDDDDEEEEE and SUUUUSHEEEEEEE; we could fix this little problem with the Chicken Hawk and I could get to see these Chicken Birds myself.

Here’s my plan.

Have the Young Man open the door. He does this a lot and sometimes he closes it before I can get out, but sometimes he just stands there; staring out into the dirt and stuff. He just stands there. He does the same thing in front of the Food-Box . It has two doors and he’ll open one and stare into it and then he’ll open the other and stare into it and then he’ll just walk away before I can even make a choice on what I want. . .

So, have the Young Man open the door. Me and the Dog-Cats rush out. We then run around in front of the house. After that I follow the Dog-Cats to where this Chicken Hawk is and we do something. My plan is to stand behind a tree and scratch my back. Have you scratched your back on a tree lately? It’s amazing if you get the chance. They have pine trees out here and they’re really barky and scratchy and it’s just perfect..

So, while I scratch my back the Dog-Cats will annoy the Chicken Hawk into leaving by doing what they do best. Make noise for no reason. They can just sit there for hours on end and make noises. Low noises, high noises, noises I can’t describe. I don’t know about this Chicken Hawk, but if it’s got any sense of hearing it will leave.

Then, maybe I can see the Chicken Birds the people are so excited about.

I’m hoping the egg thing they talk about tastes like chicken. Whatever that means.

OK, the Old Guy is coming back around to the writing-box and he’s looking at me. I know what he’s thinking. No, it wasn’t me. Look at the little old Dog-Cat. She’s the one who made that smell. Trust me. I smell like roses and fine cheeses!

Thanks for reading my column! Tell the Old Guy to call my agent. I haven’t seen a single check for this from my agent.

Scout, The Cat-Dog